Proverbs 15 – December 15, 2011
Proverbs 15:31 If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise.9 (NLT)
Proverbs is such a wonderful set of teachings. It is filled with wisdom that, when meditated on, can give insight and knowledge that only comes from God.
In the month of December, I will be sharing from Proverbs each day. I will apply these proverbs to marriage and family life. I hope you enjoy these insights as we delve into the wisdom of Proverbs.
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Please read the entire chapter 15 of Proverbs
My wife and I were discussing critical words yesterday. As a couple, we have done pretty well in not being too critical when the other person is offending us. We were having a discussion about the way words are misunderstood because of our filters – the man and woman thing.
The exception here is when one of us offends the other one. This always is unintentional, but the damage is still the same. You have a pattern of reacting to your spouses bad behavior, ie when they do or don’t do something that you have expected, and it’s wounding.
Fascinatingly enough, there is research on this very topic. One researcher discovered that actually saying the negative words you are feeling, expressing your feelings, actually deteriorates the relationship. What they found: how the conflict is solved makes all the difference in the world in how soon and the depth with which the couples felt “connected” again.
Solving conflict is not always about telling your side of the story. Solving conflict is about honoring the other persons view, and understanding how they are seeing your behavior. Listening to the wounded person’s view of the event, and attempting to get insight into their lives, strengthens the relationship immensely .
We all know that name calling, put downs, the cold shoulder, and screaming matches never work. Venting is the most damaging thing you can do, when you do the venting to the person that harmed you. The research shows that arguing was actually good for the marriage, but venting to the person only predicted divorce and other difficulties in the marriage. There are exceptions to this rule – when the offense was done intentionally and with intent. I’ll address this in a later post.
When you’re offended or hurt in the marriage, there are some rules to follow. First: attempt to recover by allowing God to show you how to forgive. We often forget that forgiveness is not about letting the offended continue to harm you. There is a way and a time, to talk about the offense. Often it is not AT THE TIME of offense.
Solomon states very clearly that listening to criticism has rewards. The idea here is that when you actually listen or acknowledge that someone else might be right about your behavior that brings wisdom to the home.
Seems like Solomon might have known this was true long before the research was done. Not just criticism but critical criticism does not work. Constructive evaluation of our behavior absolutely brings wisdom to everyone in the home.
Application: When your wife or husband is acting offended by something that you’ve done how do you react? When you’ve been offended or hurt, how do you act toward your spouse? Allowing your spouse to tell you how they see you behaving, and you honoring that request, is invaluable to the relationship!
I’m just saying
Daniel C. Clark
